Love – Part 8. The Conclusion of 7 Years: Loving Oneself.

Hi everyone. It’s been such a long time. I got busy in the past few months because of some major changes in my workplace. I hope life hasn’t left me behind as I’m trying so hard to catch up. I mentioned about some life changing event happened to me sometimes ago, and I think I want to write it here, as a theraphy (kind of) in my healing process.

That lingering question: “what if the one that got away came back?”, I think I’ve come to an answer. They got away because of some reasons, and many times, it’s better to stay that way.

So my story started about 8 years ago. When I met someone so peculiar, and I happened to fall for him head over heels in just a matter of months. We’ve always been friends, until 4 years ago, when we decided to plan our future together. The thing is, we’ve never been in constant communication. He was always the loner type, and I somehow always found some way to rationalize every single thing he did, no matter how crazy it was in other people’s point of view. I always think that I’m the only one who will be able to understand him, and it will be hard for him if I left his side. We lost contact several times, I dated other people in between, but it never worked because I always feel like I had unfinished business with him, and every time he came back, I would always accept him with open arms, pretending like everything was fine, like we were always meant to be together in the end.

The last time we got back together, about a year ago, it feels like we’ve come a long way from we were before. Even though I know that deep down, he wasn’t really ready to commit. I guess he was just afraid to lose me for a moment, and decided to try again. I was so sure that we would have our happy ending if we made it this time, that I tried so hard, harder than I did before, to hold onto him. We’ve made further plans for our future together, once again. Little did I know, the more I tried to compromise with his peculiarity, the less I love myself for it. Our relationship was so fragile, that even the slightest fight will bring back his doubt about our commitment. I never noticed that I put myself under such pressure, that it messed up with my metabolism. But his fears finally won him over. He ended it through a text message, and I’ve never heard of him anymore (except 1 short message in my birthday. Like, really?!).

That happened about 6 months ago. The most tumultuous 6 months of my life. By the time he left me, I almost have no love left for myself. I gained 5 kg in just a matter of weeks (which I’m still trying to lose btw). I lost the will to do anything. Like, literally anything. In my mind, every one of my friends have moved on with their lives, while I lost the closest thing I have for a future. One of my biggest fear was disappointing my parents, because they’ve come to like him. I became an empty shell for about 2 months – wake up, do things, sleep – repeat. I stop taking care of myself, never even put on make up once in those 2 months. I pierced my ears (two piercings at once) impulsively, just because (I’m wearing veil, so it’s kind of a meaningless thing to do). Something inside me wanted him to see that he broke me. That I suffered so much because of him. That all of my meltdown was his fault. I ruined myself to hurt him (yeah, stupid. I know that now). I had no idea how I’m going to come out alive from that. A few weeks later, I looked at myself in the mirror, and I almost didn’t recognize the person staring at me. She was an angry pathetic self pitied me.

That’s when it hit me, I hate this version of myself.

My first recovery step was when I came back to my hometown, few weeks after we broke up. I couldn’t predict how my parents will react to this news. And it was their answer that put me slowly back to my feet. I always thought that I will make my parents happy when I finally get married. I was really relieved when they told me that it was MY happiness first that’s more important, and to not let anyone define it for me, no matter whoever I’m with.

The next step was a bunch of good friends. I’m so grateful that I have good people in my life, and some of them have been telling me warnings that i chose to ignore before. One of them (a very good friend that has been misunderstood as my boyfriend for a very long time), even gave me a good slap (well, not really a slap, but a tough talk) when I keep on whining and blaming everyone else. He reminds me that life did not end here, and I need to stop complaining and play victim. It takes time, but I need to put on an effort.

Stop using social media worked pretty well for me too. Well, I wasn’t on a total social media shutdown because I still used this blog and instagram, but i stopped using path, facebook, and twitter for a while. My initial reason was because I felt like suffocated watching everyone else sharing how exciting their lives are. Yes, I was green with envy and jealousy, and watching those things made me felt like cursing my life. I was so busy being angry at everyone else’s happiness, that I forgot to be grateful for my own blessings. After a while, I don’t feel the need to be constantly on social media anymore, not because I was jealous, but because I started to (veeery slowly) enjoy my real life without feeling the need to compare it to everyone else’s in social media.

I started to take care of myself a few weeks back. Start eating healthy and try to lose some weight that I gained (I was on my heaviest). I did everything that I thought will help. I went for some massages, having some girls talk over good food, going on a shopping spree, drawing, binge watching 10 seasons of “Friends” (Yes, I just watched it after all these years), or devoted myself in KDrama. I start putting on some make up to work sometimes ago. And I’m doing it for me, myself, not for anyone else. Because I need to remind myself that “I am worth a lot”. And I do believe in fate. ALLAH’s plan will always be the best plan there is. I do believe that it was something that I have to go through, with some silver linings that I have yet to find.

Am I okay now? Am I better? Well, I still imagine shooting him with a bullet in the heart every now and then, and I still can’t listen to some songs that he used to sang for me, but other than that, I’ve realized that I should stop playing victim and ruining myself. I am responsible for my own happiness. It’s okay to take some time wallowing in self pity, but just remember to slap yourself out of it. It takes baby steps. It’s a constant effort, and I’m still fighting against my negative self every single day. But one thing for sure, I should put myself as my own priority.

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